Top Ten Lies Parents Tell (Ourselves)

A kids' version of lying to themselves: "You can't see me!" 

10.  I just turned around for a second!

9. (Fill in the blank)... shouldn't take too long.

8. Yelling "Stop yelling!" will get them to stop yelling.

7. Crawling/talking/walking/reading/writing early = Ive League future! (Aka, it's ok we haven't started saving for college, our kid is a genius.)

6.  It hasn't been *that* long since... (fill in the blank).

5.  I don't smell anything. 

4. Falling asleep while watching Bones on the DVR is just as romantic as going out to see a movie.

3. What's one more kid?

2. Going to bed early is the new sleeping in.

1. Our kids won't be like that. 

In Defense of Getting Less Sleep

Last week, my parents gave me the most amazing gift. They took my kids for three days and three nights. It’s the most time I’ve spent without kids since becoming a mom. Unlike our summer trip to the beach, this time at home alone was a real vacation.

Given how sleep-deprived parenting is, what surprised me most about what I did while they were away was that I didn’t get any extra sleep. What I did was better (and don’t get me wrong, I love to sleep). I used every waking moment exactly as I wanted and I enjoyed every last drop of time to myself.

Because, even more than sleep, what’s really exhausting about parenting little kids is never being alone.

And the less time I have to myself during the day, the later I stay up at night. It’s like I need to steal from those night hours a little of what I miss during the day. It's like all the parts of me I needed to get through those busy days, the parts I gave to everyone else or that were scattered to the wind along the way, I need to wait until they float back into my body and I can take at least one breath as a whole person. I need to feel like a real person again before I can agree to shut my brain off and sleep. I need to be who I am without anyone else around.

If I crash off to sleep before coming back to myself, I’m dizzy the whole next day.

Because each day I drift apart again... Arms and hips to my son, who needs to be held all the time… Ears and eyes to my daughter, who needs to be seen and heard all the time… My feet and legs and every bit of my heart so I walk toward my husband instead of away when he walks through the door, so we remember at least to say hello… And my hair, my face, my armpits, not sure where they disappear to but clearly there are days when they do not belong to me.

And that’s just a regular, plain old day.

It’s hard to pin down exactly why the days are so hard. In any given minute, the what-needs-to-be-done is mostly mundane, mostly not overwhelming, mostly easy-to-do stuff. And then time ticks on, minute piling upon minute, each minute assigned to something, to someone else. If I take a breath, it’s only to remember which of the things I’m not doing need to be done already.

In parenting, 90% or more of the time is easy enough, relaxed enough, manageable enough. And then there’s the other 5 or 10% that’s so unbelievably hard that it leaves traces of its hardness on the rest of the day. When I can let go of that small amount of hard stuff when it’s over, the rest of the time is so much easier. I can’t always do that.

It’s actually something I learned in labor. If you can let go of the pain of the contraction when it dissipates, you’re in a much better place when the next one comes along. If you can’t, that next contraction will be much harder. If you can’t allow it to ebb and flow like a wave, it will pull you under.

Days with kids are like that too. Little kids are kind of like crazy people with ups and downs that can give you whiplash. I find that I hang on too their bad moods—crying or yelling or whining—a lot longer than they do. If I could learn to let go as fast as they do, there would be a lot more happy in my days. For me, it’s hard to let go without a little time to myself. It’s hard to get back to neutral.

The hardest thing about having little kids is that it's constant, no breaks, no breaths, no brain space. Every day—no way out but through.

The feelings of obligation--to be there all the time, to be there completely, to be perfect—are intense. Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly bracing for the next disaster. When there is calm, it always has the air of the calm before a storm.

At the end of those days, when everyone is finally asleep, I need a little time to not-sleep. I need to be alone, lights low, doing something stupid and slow. It may look like reading or watching tv or social-networking, but really it’s breathing my own breaths and letting go of everything.

I may be a little more exhausted the next day with the sleep I lose during those late nights, but what I gain is more valuable: a little piece of sanity to hold onto through another long day spent not-alone.

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Bad Days: A How-to Guide for Sleep Deprived Parents

Bad days are just life, right? So why does having a bad day as a stay-at-home mom too often lead to an existential crisis?

Before I was a mom, when I was having a hard day at work, I didn’t immediately start questioning everything. I didn’t doubt all my choices, think I must be doing the wrong thing with my life and start scheming about quitting my job. It was just a bad day.

It should be ok for a stay-at-home parent to have a bad day without regretting the decision to be at home with the kids. And we should be able to tell other people we’re having a bad day without feeling like we’re being judged for not being happy every second of every day.

No matter how much you love what you’re doing, some days are just bad. Maybe you didn’t get enough sleep (a huge trigger for me!). Maybe you’re taking care of a sick kid. Or maybe you’re sick and taking care of a sick kid—or worse, sick and taking care of a kid who isn’t sick. Maybe your baby won’t stop crying and you have no idea why or you’re toddler is in constant tantrum mode. Or maybe you’re just yelling too much and feeling awful for yelling and still can’t snap out of it.

Existential crises aside—you just have to get through the day. Here’s my how-to guide for parents who just need to get through a bad day:

1. Dress your kid in her cutest outfit

Start the day out on the best foot possible. When my daughter was a baby and I was exhausted and struggling, I would put her in ridiculously adorable outfits. The kind you’re supposed to save for a special occasion that never comes before they grow out of that size. It just helps to look at an extra cute kid when things are tough. And if you’re out and about, your baby will get tons of attention and compliments that will help to perk up your mood. If your kid is older, a fun hairstyle can also work.

2. Be as lazy as you can

If your baby is still in their first few months, you’re in your prime for falling asleep on the couch with the baby on your belly in the middle of the day. Later, if your little one is an early riser, follow in the footsteps of the many parents who have gone before—turn on the tv, offer an easy breakfast and fall asleep on the couch. A quick nap might be the extra help you need. Anything you can do to sleep a little more on a day like this is a good idea. And while I don’t believe you should always sleep when your baby sleeps (you need awake alone time too!), there are days when it’s essential.

3. Take all the shortcuts you know

All parents have their secret shortcuts. It’s just not possible to do the perfect right thing all the time. Figure out how you can cut corners to make your day an easier place to be. Skip bath. Let your kid wear a crazy costume all day and not get dressed. Don’t brush their hair. Send out your laundry. Order your groceries to be delivered. Have an early bedtime. Find things that make it just a little easier. My favorite shortcut? When naptime feels like too much work, I put the kids in the car and drive for naptime. Once they’re asleep, I can park the car and borrow the local coffeshop’s wifi or check email (ok, Facebook) on my phone. We even have one of those horrible car tv’s, so my older kid can put on headphones and be in her own world if she won’t nap.

4. Get sympathy

When your day sucks, sometime it just helps to unload about it or find someone who will feel a little sorry for you (but not too much). So, call your mom or your best friend or whoever else you know will lend a sympathetic ear. Talking to another parent can really help. Or go to Facebook and post about your crappy mood. Unless your friends are awful people, you’ll have a few words of encouragement in a matter of minutes at almost any hour.

5. Get out of the house

Lots of parents get stuck inside on bad days. Don’t do it! Take a walk around the block, go to a store you don’t really need to go to, whatever it takes for an easy outing. This is one of the only times when my parenting advice is “pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps.” Just get outside. By any means necessary. You will feel better.

6. Eat easy food

There was a week when my first baby was sick when I ate almost nothing but oatmeal. After that, I learned to always have microwaveable or otherwise easy meals in the house at all time. You never know when someone’s going to be sick all of a sudden and for days. Or when you just couldn’t possibly make another meal. Or when you just need a meal the kids really want so that no one yells about dinner. Take-out, cereal for dinner, peanut butter sandwiches… whatever is the easiest possible way to get food into your offspring or into your own body. One day off from eating well will do no permanent damage. You can go back to high-energy, nutrient-rich food as soon as you have a little extra to put back into taking good care of yourself and your family. This is a guilt-free day off.

7. Do something indulgent

Ice cream is my bad day treat. But it certainly doesn’t have to be food. Sometimes I’ll order cute clothes for the kids (see #1). Or take a bath and shave my legs. Or have an end-of-day glass of wine at 4:00. Find something that’s guaranteed to make you just a little happier. And do it. And then maybe do one or two more things from that list. If you do good-day things, it won’t be such a complete total 100% awful bad day.

8. Dig deeper

You may think you have nothing left. No energy, no patience, nothing else to give. You do. You are stronger than you think. If there’s no one else and no way out, you have to find more within yourself. You just do. It’s why parenting is so hard. But there’s always more. Look inside, take a breath and think, “Ok, I can do this. One step, one minute, one second at a time.” Digging deeper is my personal code for this. It’s a marathon. One you can’t quit. (Unless it’s a psychological emergency, in which case, call anyone you can to take over immediately, even if it’s 911.)

9. Enjoy your kid

Your baby is gorgeous, wonderful, amazing. You love him. Put everything else aside. Everything else can wait. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is you and your baby. Try to focus on being grateful for all of the amazing things that being a parent has meant for your life. Get down on the floor. Look your kiddo straight in their beautiful little eyes. Recapture the wonder of being a parent. If you can do this for even a moment, you can shift your perspective enough to make getting through a bad day seem like no big thing. It’s just a day.

10. Make a plan & look for the light at the end

How are you going to make it from morning to night? Break it down into blocks of time. Morning, naps, afternoon, evening, bedtime. Make a plan for each one. Invite a friend to join you for a bit if that will make the time pass more quickly. Or have lunch out. Decide that you won’t fight over anything unessential. Just figure out how you can get from start to finish. Take the easiest path. And then make a plan for something to look forward to when the day is done. Can you call a babysitter to schedule a date night? Tell your spouse you need an afternoon “off” as soon as possible? Take a time out as soon as your partner is home from work for the day? Or plan a moms night out with other people who know just how much you need it? The plan may be for later, but the relief will be immediate.

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The Fifth Trimester

After three exhausting, emotional trimesters of pregnancy, comes the widely-discussed Fourth Trimester (there’s a book! and another book! and a guy who has all the answers!), where babies still seem like they could live inside your still-too-roomy tummy, except they’re noisier and you get to see their amazing faces.

Pretty please (with baby on top), just a little

more sleep?

It’s hard. But the Fourth Trimester has a lot going for it… Everyone is excited and in awe and it’s all new and it’s all precious. Most new parents spend these months feeling, among the millions of other bouncing emotions, like they have no idea what they’re doing. And the babies—well, there’s the smile and maybe the laugh, but mostly… they don’t really do anything.

And then comes the stage no one tells you about, the one that even other moms who talk about everything don’t talk about. I’ve started to think of is as the Fifth Trimester. Somewhere around the fourth, fifth or even seventh month, everything just… Seems. So. Hard.

Five reasons why the Fifth Trimester exists and is the hardest one of all:

1. EXHAUSTION IS CUMULATIVE. The baby hasn’t figured out how to sleep like a baby! Even some babies who had been champion sleepers are suddenly waking at night (and now you know what "sleep regression" means). Even for those whose babies are still sleeping well, moms often aren't. Worry, hormones, habit--there's a lot going on in your mind and your body. And now you've been not sleeping well for months. And it’s adding up.

Sleep deprivation is cumulative. The list could end here. This makes everything harder. So many moms who talk about struggling at this phase mention not sleeping as an afterthought. It could be the entire reason why things feel hard. Not sleeping changes everything—your mood, your appetite, your patience, your perspective. Try to get more sleep—in any way you can! It’s the most important thing you can do to take care of yourself.

2. WHERE DID EVERYONE GO? The early days and months with a new baby, especially a first baby, are busy. People want to see the baby. They bring gifts, they bring food, they may even do your dishes. Every outing is an occasion or at least it takes a whole day to get out the door and back in, so it feels like one. 

Time is fast and time is slow, but it’s not what it was before, and just that feeling makes the days go by before you have time to think. When the excitement winds down, you might be feeling alone, and if you haven’t made efforts to find some good mom friends, do it now! Being a mom can be very lonely. Your mother can’t be the only person you go to for parenting advice. You will need mom friends and you will need them more and more every day.

3. I FIGURED IT OUT! … AND THEN… Your confidence was finally on the rise and then everything changed. Finally, you can change a diaper in less than thirty minutes! The baby’s feedings seem to be on some kind of schedule, at least sometimes! You know what goes in the diaper bag! (Even if you sometimes forget to put it there.) Then, all of a sudden... the baby doesn’t just fall asleep for naptime? You have to figure out if they’re ready for solid foods? And how does that fit into the whole diaper bag situation? And wait… the baby’s moving now?

This is a time of rapid development for babies, and for parents, it's really the first time you realize that you're never going to have this parenting thing figured out. If you think you know what you’re doing as a parent, give it a few weeks (it will change). On the other hand, if you’re in an unbearable stage, give it a few weeks (it will change).

​Baby, on the move. Already.

4. FMLA SETS THE STANDARD. Aka, expectations. The Family and Medical Leave Act was no doubt a compromise between those who believe parents need more than 12 weeks to adjust to parenthood and those who think women should be back at work in a week (or not at all). For some women, one of the challenges after the first three months are up is that time at home is up too. Going back to work, leaving a three-month-old baby for most of the day and then coming home to a second shift is no joke. For others, the challenge is that friends with similar age babies are going back to work, which can shift your perspective on what you’re doing at home.

I would also argue that the FMLA is so deeply engrained in our culture that even when we’re not confronted with it’s impact directly, we feel something in the air that brings up questions: Shouldn’t I be…by now? Shouldn’t the baby be…by now? Fill in the blank, it’s different for everyone, but we can start to feel inadequate now matter how happy we may be with our choices.

In my experience, it helps to realize that’s what’s happening and let it go. It’s still hard—your baby is still brand new! Most women do not fit back into their pre-pregnancy clothes, and eventually give in and get some new things so they can get out of yoga pants 24-7 mode. Accept that it will take time to get your body back. And ask questions about what to except from this stage from sources that won’t lie. Ask another mom how she’s feeling and tell her the truth about how you’re feeling.

5. NO EXIT. It’s not getting easier (it will) and they’re no way out (which is also what makes parenting as amazing as it is). This is the time when you realize it’s always gonna be hard and you’re gonna do it, with any luck, until the day you die. It’s also the time when you start to figure out how to make it easier—there are shortcuts, ways to cheat, times you need a break—because the only way to stop it from being so hard is to learn how to be easier about everything.

Parents of older kids need to stop telling new parents that it never gets any easier. The first year is intense and the kind of hard it is will change you, but it will also prepare you for the next year and the next. Your old life is gone and it’s okay to miss it. It takes time to adjust to your new life. As parents have told non-parents forever, “It changes everything.” Now you know. You really, really know.

​More hard times will come, but you're stronger than you think and you're not alone. 

Dads Can Wake Up at Night, Too

As someone who suffered serious postpartum depression, brought on or made worse by a frequent waking baby, I'm very sympathetic to mothers who decide to let their babies cry-it-out. The sleep deprivation was so extreme for me that it became a question of having to be hospitalized or getting some sleep. I think nearly everyone would agree which option would be better for baby, let alone mother.

Since becoming a mom—who has opinions on these these things before then?—I have done everything I could to find a gentle way through newborn sleep patterns, nighttime nursing, sleep regressions and every other incarnation of baby-hood that requires nighttime parenting. But when I’m sobbing on my kitchen floor out of sheer exhaustion, it’s no longer a “No Cry Sleep Solution.”

BUT, and this is a big one, I think something is being left out of this discussion: Where's daddy?

We live in a super-mommy society, and some of this we bring on ourselves--I know I do. But why--apart from a single parent situation- is it a question of cry-it-out so mommy can sleep at night or the mother being up all night with baby?

We need to wake up our husbands! So why don’t we?

Like many instances of gender inequality, we think our answers are particular to us, to our husbands. Why does mom stay at home when dad goes to work? Well, he just happens to make more money. Why doesn’t he clean up the kitchen without being asked? He just doesn’t care as much about those things as I do. Why doesn’t he do the grocery shopping? He doesn’t do it the way I want it done. Odd how many women have uttered those exact sentences. Must just be coincidence.

So, here are my particulars: My husband had just been through a so-called minor surgery when our second baby was going through his worst sleep phase (waking six times a night!). I was trying to be a loving wife take and care of my husband by letting him sleep. After two weeks, I was in pieces.

By the time our son was seven months old and had been waking up every two hours for almost three months, I was so weak from exhaustion that I worried I couldn’t keep my baby, and his three year old sister, safe. He was a heavy baby, the same weight at six months as his sister was at a year, and I could no longer pick him up without fear of dropping him. That’s pretty tired.

My husband is wonderful, as feminist as any good man, and, of course, he stepped up when I crashed. His takeover of our nighttime parenting duties was sudden and complete. I took my daughter and headed to the basement to sleep through the night. I cried, took some pills, swallowed my mommy guilt and closed my eyes. After just a few days, my husband was asking how I could have done this for months when he felt awful already. I don’t know how, but I know I shouldn’t have. I should have woken him up sooner.

Why do so many moms feel like our husbands can't handle it? We're all shortchanged when we underestimate our partners.

Stay-at-home moms may be the biggest offender of not expecting their husbands to help at night. Just because a mom is at home with the baby does not mean that the baby’s daddy gets a free pass. He does not need his sleep anymore than you do. We seem to think that he needs be fresh and alert when he heads off to work in the morning, as if we don’t need reserves to get through our day. Ask any woman who has both been at-home with kids and worked outside the home--which job is it easier to sleepwalk through?

Once the baby has passed the real infant stage, which most people agree is somewhere after 6 months, and doesn't need to eat at night, breastfeeding moms need to hand over the keys to the baby's room.

And there's an additional benefit to letting mamas sleep--even beyond a happier wife and mother. Many babies will stop waking as much if dad takes mom's place as nighttime parent. It's like they wake up and say, "Oh, you again. Never mind. See you in the morning." My son went from being up six times a night to “only” three in a week, just because my husband handled it. My daughter went from waking twice a night to sleeping through, just because it wasn’t me.

Not that the transition will be easy, but there is no easy way out. Cry-it-out doesn’t always work quickly and sometimes must be repeated several times. The first year is so hard and not sleeping is a big part of it. Of course, dad waking up at night doesn't solve everything. But it can lead to a refreshing shift in household dynamics.

None of the many different “sleep experts” will tell you this, but there is only one real tried-and-true way to get your offspring to sleep alone through the night… and it works every time: the baby gets older. It will happen. It’s just a matter of figuring out how everyone, including mom, can make it through to the other side.